I met with my mentor today about the paper we had accepted for a conference in March. He was telling me about having reread several articles related to this paper and the thinking he had done about it, which had led to a reconceptualization of the paper. Good stuff too. It made me want to cry.
Not because of the extra work involved, however. I wanted to cry because I realized that I spend the time I have allocated for my work struggling to keep my head above water. I have no time to “read and reconceptualize”, even if I had the skill. I only have time to focus on the details; the mechanics.
I wanted to cry because if I take this job working 4 days a week that will get worse.
Education has 2 doctorates; the EdD, which is targeted at practitioners and administrators, and the PhD which is targeted at people who want to do research and teach in a university somewhere. Its an open secret that (with a few exceptions like Harvard that only offer an EdD) the requirements for a PhD are more difficult, the research standards higher, the theoretical constructs more critical.
The problem is that working working in a completely unrelated field for large numbers of hours keeps me from having the time and energy to develop the ways of thinking and background knowledge that I need to hit the PhD level. Which I need for what I want to do.
Most colleges don’t LET their students work, and I’m beginning to understand why. Education related fields often do but the people I know who have gotten PhDs while working were generally working in a closely related area. I’m not. My work is far from the area of my studies.
Maybe I’m studying the wrong thing; maybe I should drop these classes and go get a PhD in business or comp sci studying business intelligence technologies. Oh wait, those departments don’t want you to work at ALL. *sigh*
The cognitive dissonance is really starting to take its toll. This isn’t like taking a job at target to make a few extra bucks and an employee discount; the jobs I have/am offered are complex and require work and concentration. And long commutes.
And every time I see promise of a solution, it slips away again….Mentor had a meeting this afternoon and will probably be taking on a big project (with a big budget) for which he needs my skills, but its unclear how, if at all, he can get me any additional money for doing it. The university has a few too many rules….
*sigh* I feel trapped. I hate that feeling…..